Doctors Orders

There is an outside chance that tequila cure 90% of all problems. Please save yourself some cash and give it a try when ever you are faced with any real delima. If it does not provide an answer, then seek professional help.

It seems I have lost my pants. Damn you Skip Bo.

 

And, did I mention, y’all?

Fahhhhking FUCK!  Just wrote some kind of genius article, but then my shitty stolen Calgary connection ate it.  ATE IT AND GAVE NOTHING IN RETURN.  Fuck you, Calgary!  And internets.  And expecially
Calgary internets!

So, what did we do today?  I, for one, drank far (Jamie Farr?) too much al-co-hol in Cal-GARY today, lost some terrible (just now, walked away from the computer and, coming back, have no friggin’ idea where I was going with that.)  So, anyways.  Um…
Played a game called Big Buck Hunter 2: Electric Boogaloo, and got my sweet fanny beat by a local who pours about ninety bucks a day into BB2: EB, but then drank my weight in Grasshopper so fuck all’yall.  Did I mention?  Fuck you all?  Y’all?  Glad we got that covered. 

In other news: I’m right ripped.  Read that as you will.

 

Uh, Friday nigfht – :P

January 12, 2007

I sit, bare ass to the soft green “velour” blanket spawn over the bed, and take my grey-green eyes to the situation at hand. I hate and am determined to undermind my competitor. Before me a beautiful, yet overlooked part of life: Putting on the pajama bottom.

I look into the bottom bunched before me on my foot as if it we an fabric Slinky® of fat little grey cats on baby pink fabric which I bought in Maine with Mom and Marsha.

“A new challenge,” I think to myself as I peer upon my Slinky ®

I can take on challenges and do my best. I strive to do MY best. I know it will take me a bit longer to complete this vs “the majority”, however it’s still possible. I realize my abilities and my inabilities and realize them minute to minute. I am constantly monitoring my health.

”How are you feeling at this very moment? Where’s the pain? Please reassess and remit immediately.” The demands are clear.

“Battle stations!” I cry with great enthusiasm and authority. “Now!!” The bellow takes over the ears of all before.

And then I revert to normal, unpoetic, sometimes melodramatic, and then to a gracious woman to be respects as one…

“What is this crap I see and absorb from the screen,” Damn, I’m figured out!

“Come on!” the internal cry overthrows. “Upi tjomlg O cam’t tale ot?

(”you think I can’t take it?”)

Yes, I did correct myself a lot before I wrote that on e an ed realized how broken my English is when I don’t look at the keys. The more I do it, the ore awayre I am of my mistakes… Oh the challenges!

Yes, I’, m comma’e out!

Me

 

Putting the Christ back into the 12 Bars of Christmas

If ever there were an event worthy of a wasted time psoting, it is the 12 Bars of Xmas. 12 bars. 6.5 hours. 30+ insane people/.

I’ve been drinking since 3 pm. Proud to say taht I was the first to get to Bar #1 (Erika & Paul’s place)… other than Eriak & Paul, of course.  We started out with about 8 or so people there… by bar #12, we had over 30 people.  I don’t think I even met everyone.  Oh ya, and some random boutght us a roudn of shots at one of the bars.  Leanne was totally chatting with this guy while we negoitated with the bar tender for a deal on 23 shots and the random was liek, “put the shots on my tab”.  Man, he is so going ot regret that in the morning.  Also, I think I inadvertently talked some guy out of getting back togerther with his ex-grilfriend… I didn’t mean to, but it just happened.  and it wasn’t liek i wanted him for myself or antything (if I did, I wouldn’t be home alon e typingon this blog, that’s for sure!)

After the 12 Bars where,  Christ, I drank myself blind, we dcided to mix things up a bit and go to another bar, Lola’s.  Where I mangaged to win two games of pool by onely sinking one ball (read: I played with one decent player on my team and two other people who were as bad as me).  But I did manged to master our team handshake, so that’s something.  I also proceeded to knock over the drinks of the two people who bought me drinks there.  IN my defence, I’m so clumsy I probalby would have done that even if I were sober.  Wait, was that really in my own denfence?

In conclusions, a good time was had by all.  No one, as far as I know, puked, passed out in an alley or hooked up with an ugly person.  So, really, mission accomplished, yes?

 

I’m the patron saint of Wasted Time. Daav said so.

I just went ot a party where we couldn’t even flush the toilet ‘cuz they dont have running water. We have to boil our freakin’g water in vancouver now, What is this a freaking thrid world conuntry or something?? I think i may have told a bunch of girls at the party to get IUDs.  Yes, I’m pretty sure I did tell them that.  Wtf?

Now i’m trying ot chat with someonw eand drunk blog and it’ not easyl Do I really look like i’m in a state to mutlitaske? I’ m so friggn hungvry but i don’t know what to eat. I don’t thinK I shosul d cook antyhing. I fear that might not be safe. But i have the munchies. IT’s problematic for me. But the paryt was onlhy stumbling distance away. So that was goodl. I have to play two games of ball hockey tomroowo. Fuck, I gues s i s hould got to sleep. Man, maybe i will got ot sleep , and just eat int eht morhing. food or sleep? food ro sleep? what wil win? I will let you know later. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

 

Gotta say I’ve had a wide variety of booze today. Almost like I;’m making a thing of switching up all night, impressing folks and whatnot. But that’s not the case. I’ve just been luxuriating in the fine array of alcohol that our household is privy to.

Also gotta say that most times I’ve posted here, I’ve had a decent idea of what I’d say before I got here. Today, not so much. Hmm. What I guess I’d like to say is that being married sorta rules. Sarsh and I have been together since Jezus was a little fella, so I really didn’t expect a shitload of surprises, but I’ve gotta say that I was surprised by how generally in synch we are. If it’s a get-shit-done day for me, then it’s the same for her. Or, if it’s a get-the-fuckoutta-my-work-clothes-and-get-liquored-up day for me, then it seems that it’s ditto for her. In short: my wife is wicked. And hot–in case you haven’t met her.

 

I’m drunk

OK, I may be starting a provincial war here, but people from Alberta are are stupicd.

 

The Walk of Shame

Do you know the feeling? When you walk home and you feel like you are going to die???
That would be me. I have become such a light weight recently. A couple of pints, and I’m out of commission.
But I did the walk. The woozy walk. The walk where you try to walk in a straight line, trying to prove to yourself that you are not drunk, but you fail miserably. When one step in front of the other seems like the most difficult challenge known to mankind. How hard could it be? Left right, left right…. I dunno.
I think I’m going to puke.
Excuse me…..

 

you sold a burger…

and it was a nation that accepted this communerism…

we cannot accept the fact that there is communerism. we think that the authority that has to fight is this…

the druk people who are so angry…

i’m sorry that my argument is not better, but i feel jected.

can’t we app[reciate the life that excited among the us?

live with us; among us. you will fell beyond freedom...

[ps - i love this typing while intoxicated. you have made this comfortable...]

 

I’m not sure I can top getting a Ph.D. Hmmm. No, I most definitely cannot.

This week has been a bona fide doozy.

First, let me apologize to Jorge and Mrs. Jorge for not callnig back today.  I turned my ringer off in a beautiful EIGHT-HOUR cleaning frenzy that involved me scouring the bathroom, cutting the cats’ hair, and tossing out many a clothing item.  Except for the long-forgotten cute nighties. 

Clearly, this ridiculous Ms. Clean frenzy was inspired by the very fact that I had to pick up my “things” from the ex-beau’s house yesterday.  Time to wash that man right outta my hair.  Murr to failed relationships.  And dust.  And hairballs the size of my ass.

Even Bug and Crick recognize the need for crickets right about now.

Mama hopes everyone had a great day, and that there are cigarettes in her kitchen drawer.  And matches, for that matter, so she doesn’t have to light her cig off the stove.

Ok, more crickets.