I resolve not to have such an overdeveloped upper body next year.
I resolve that I will dropkick someone — full force, without remorse, and totally out of the blue — at least once a month.
I’ll finally get that pageboy haircut I’ve been meaning to.
I will bring a bottle of bourbon to work and pour myself one generous shot each day during lunch, judgement and performance ratings be damned.
I will invest in ferrets. Ferrets are the new gold (you heard it here first).
I will always carry a role of quarters in my pocket so that whenever I’m asked, “Is that a role of quarters in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” the quarters will distract from my all-too-obvious boner.
I will tap that.