I resolve not to have such an overdeveloped upper body next year.

I resolve that I will dropkick someone — full force, without remorse,  and totally out of the blue — at least once a month.

I’ll finally get that pageboy haircut I’ve been meaning to.

I will bring a bottle of bourbon to work and pour myself one generous shot each day during lunch, judgement and performance ratings be damned.

I will invest in ferrets.  Ferrets are the new gold (you heard it here first).

I will always carry a role of quarters in my pocket so that whenever I’m asked, “Is that a role of quarters in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” the quarters will distract from my all-too-obvious boner.

I will tap that.